my broken heart seems to become complimented by my undying, wild need to keep reaching for the sun. this can be conflicting at times… to say the least. my incessant longing to be a free, hippy, nomad clashes with my responsible duties as a mother. the circumstantial pain that I feel inside of me, coincides with the infinite bliss that I’ve always known inside of my soul. I am not lost. No… I am…

Free. Free, and feeling… Sometimes it feels like free falling… but I truly know that i’m not, I am not falling. not ever. even when I feel my knees get weak, and my eyes get watery… and my body drop closer to the ground. no, I am not falling. I am missy…feeling. being. confused and enchanted. sad and overzealous. broken hearted and absolutely in love and awe. Crying… and laughing. Dancing and punching. Singing and screaming.

it is not black and white. These feelings and emotions as a human being. We are always given, always walking and waking with all of the colors on the color wheel. We choose which colors we want to shine the brightest from within us. And sometimes it is hard to choose… sometimes we fight ourselves. When there is so much sad, so much heartache around me… there are days when I see the sun’s rays, and the waves of the ocean… and the sad fades away. I hear a fun song… and the heartache disappears.

But maybe I want it back… maybe I want to hold onto the sad, and give it my respect, pay my dues…and endure, since I know it’s still lingering in the background.

And that’s how I feel when I get in the funk of those blues too. Like I can do better to my happy spirit. like I owe it back to my bliss and awe and gratitude to give more than just sadness and grief to any moment. Like I know better than to just give all of myself to this deep, dark sorrow… trying to remind myself that there’s more to all of these life situations than meets the eye. Sadness is the surface feeling, missy, and beneath it’s heavy weight rests the truth… the infinite feelings. the most beautiful feelings. The feelings that set my soul on fire, and remind my spirit of home. of the infinite, of the big picture.

But first, it might be inevitable.. I have to break through the surface…

I have to endure. the pain. the sad. the happy that conflicts with all of it. and I just have to be okay with it. because that is life.  that is what i’m doing. that is what we’re doing. living… free… free and feeling…  Feeling all of the feels. Going through the motions. the heavy ones. the light ones. the ones that conflict with the other ones. and it’s okay. It’s always okay. no matter what.

it’s life. And it’s beautiful.